Win Your Own Independence

Jan Denise
Fri, 04 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

I love him, but I can't brush my teeth without his hovering over me. Sometimes I feel like he's got me on a leash, and I just want to run.

In the beginning of a relationship, we can mistake clinging for love. Later, it can seem more like insecurity — even desperation — especially to an independent person trying to find some space.

But it's an attachment style … and, based on research, we each have one of the following three:
Updated: Thu Jul 03, 2008

I love him, but I can't brush my teeth without his hovering over me. Sometimes I feel like he's got me on a leash, and I just want to run.

In the beginning of a relationship, we can mistake clinging for love. Later, it can seem more like insecurity — even desperation — especially to an independent person trying to find some space.

But it's an attachment style … and, based on research, we each have one of the following three:

— Secure: comfortable with connectedness and autonomy

— Avoidant: uncomfortable with too much connectedness

— Anxious: uncomfortable with too much autonomy, or clingy

Each style probably brings to mind some exemplary specimen. There was the too-anxious-to-please one who wanted to marry you three weeks after the first date. Then there was the one who wouldn't quite commit — or really open up — despite spending years with you.

But maybe you've only experienced the "secure" from a distance — your second cousin's husband. If you're wondering why you can't find somebody who is his own person and still capable of intimacy, check out your own attachment style. Smile.

You are probably — perhaps without realizing it — still looking for secure in yourself, too. Now, you can find it.

You can look at why you cling, or why you avoid getting too close, as the case may be. And just being aware of it will be a giant step toward becoming more secure. The obstacles that keep us from what we truly want are generally ill-founded. All we have to do is expose them … and we're on our way to happiness.

When you understand what you're feeling, you can catch yourself before you follow her out to the garage … and stay comfortably (or almost comfortably) seated, knowing that she's coming back. Or when you catch yourself pulling away for fear of getting too close, you can open up instead, knowing that you can without losing yourself.

Once you're secure, you'll attract somebody who is. If you're already in a committed relationship, you and your sweetheart can take a big step toward security together.

Keep in mind, though, that even when two people are secure, relationships tend to cycle through three stages:

— We're so good together.

— I thought you loved me!

— Our relationship is bigger than the problems.

When you're not secure, it's easy to get stuck — after that first infatuation stage — in "I thought you loved me!" But when you are secure, that stage can be very short lived.

You'll still run through the cycle — repeatedly — but you'll linger in "we're so good together" longer, before the "I thought you loved me" strikes, and you pull away. And it won't take you as long to realize that your "relationship is bigger than the problems" and bridge the gap again. You'll kiss and make up, and start over with "we're so good together."

When you're aware of the cycle, the low moments aren't nearly as scary. You can take them in stride and, eventually, eliminate them almost altogether.

With the secure knowledge that your love transcends the problems — whatever they are — you go through the problems together . You always have a partner, instead of somebody you're afraid of losing or getting too close to.

You can brush your teeth and do everything else together … and still feel as though you have your own space. And when you're apart, you're still secure in your togetherness. No leash required!

Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the book "Naked Relationships," speaker and coach based in McIntosh, Fla. Please e-mail her at jandenise@nakedrelationships.com, or visit her website at www.nakedrelationships.com. To find out more about Jan Denise, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.